I am so bloody stressed out because I cannot make myself study for stats. Math is like a ailen language to me, not just any ailen language but a boring and uninteresting one. I have never liked math and never will. There is not enough room for me to express myself like in English, its too rigid, there is only 1 answer and sometimes you spend hrs pulling in equations to get just that one answer.

My beautiful betta Hamlet is not doing very well, he had edema for a couple of days until I put him on antibiotics, the swelling is gone but he is still sickly. I put him on anti-parasites just in case if parasites caused a bacteria infection. He still perks up and swims by to say hello to me when I walk by (but I think he might believe I am just moving jar of fish food) but I pray he will get back to his full health soon. I need to get him a new tank, something smaller and swallow but apparently this town doesn't sell heaters for small tanks.

My dad has informed me my grandmother was very sick a few days ago but seem to have recovered thanks to my uncle. He was suppose to go see her but now that she is feeling better, he abandoned the plan. He hasn't seen her in years and despite her being so elderly, he seem to lack the desire to visit her regularly. This saddens me, she has raised him by herself but he has no gratitude towards her whatsoever. He has no attachement to anyone, so focused on himself and his bloody paper bills.

Even though has mistreated me so many times as a child and completely abandoned my mother, I am still so gratitiful he has offered to pay for college despite him causually letting me know, its too make sure I don't end up being a "reliability". He earns nearly half a million a year, if I were him, I would make sure my elderly mother is living a beautiful care home and let my elder brother take a break from caring for her. I would visit my daughter, help her through school and maybe offer to pay the rest of the mortage on the house for my ex-wife I was married to for 18 years and have regularly cheated to help make ammends. Is it just me? I feel like a good decent human being would want this? To go through life, help and protect the people who made contributions to your life? But who am I kidding. This man can sell his soul for a mountain made of cash he would. He is terrified of death and constantly complains about his health and heart. Why? Maybe because when he dies, he will realize he is alone and you can't take money with you.

Honestly, from my own family experience, I plan to never marry or have a family. Maybe someone will change my mind but if I fall back in time, I hated everything about my family.

My mother is meek and can never stand for herself, something I have learned to despise because it forced me to be the one to confront my father every since I was a small child. As a result, I also learn to despise my father because I had to constantly be the one to endure his rage, tantrums and blaming (yes, certainly if he crashes the car it was because his daughter was talking in the car and somehow magically controlling the wheel or if his job sucks it was because I somehow prevented him from doing a good job). What I hated the most was how either of them knew to solve problems. My mother becomes anxious if she has to speak on the phone and only knows how to cry if she can't solve an issue or victimize herself. My father only knew to scream, threaten and curse when there was an issue. (Life itself is just a giant ball of conflicts, issues and problems, whats the point of living if nothing happened?) NOTHING can ever be solved like proper adults, its either screams, cries and yelling matches. Every bloody day I was so exhausted, you can't buy fruit without somebody being angry.

I have never been so free ever since I moved out. Life is so bloody simple, I never want to trade away peace and quite ever again. If it means I'll never marry or have a family, whatever, I'll just be a happy old chump on my own.