It must be one of those hours where I just start questioning life and existence and yes, it creeps the hell out of a lot of people. But I guess this is the right place to write those feelings down? After all I been recording my life for almost 2 years on this blog.

But before I start my why am I alive post, I am glad to say mom and I have found an apartment 1 min away from Western Canada and classes start next Friday. Am I exicted, not right now but maybe later on and yes I am hoping it would turn out better then SMUS. No offense to teachers at SMUS but you didn't teach me much, I forgot everything I learned. Your notes were nice but worthless to me since I threw it all out. boo. I hope Western teachers are more engaged and don't just focus on the outstanding students in class.

Anyhow.. question life.. again. here we go.
This feeling just settled over me, it like wet rain almost and just pours over me. What is true purpose here in life? I mean all I do is sleep, eat, go out, come back, eat, sleep. This is the routine and for the next 80 or something years, I will be doing this over and over again. I wander what would happen once I die, fade? turn into a alien or heaven? But what is the point to here then if whatever else I am going is better? Wouln't suicide just be like, the best thing in the world? Of course death will never be a option for me since I believe I do have a reason here. If didn't, I think life would just be too pointless. I haven't found my reason, maybe its to save a life, maybe its make a discovery and maybe its just to exist to shape the future.

When I look at myself, I don't see my squinty arch eyes, my button nose or even me face, or a matter of fact myself. I see .. someone, a body, a machine that is simply kind of moving. This body.. isn't even mine, I don't get to keep it, I am degrading, every second and one day this planet will take it away. What is exactly mine to keep here? Everything from my laptop, my food, my fish its all not really mine, I borrowed it. Borrowed it from the universe. What is mine? Memories? They erase when I die? Love? But whatever love me will die. I am just here, a speck in the universe and just here. here. just here. How.. flat. Why am I here and not there? Well I guess I'll never know in this lifetime or even ever.

Maybe this feeling, this thought is a disease, a questioning of things. Maybe its some type of depression? Weird isn't it but when I sit down sometimes everything in front me turns to question marks. Maybe this is normal in my teenage years. I question everything. Even if the actual asnwer never come to me that is ok. If I ever become a mindless being, let this be a reminder that there is more.

Hmm I should sleep now, yes yes, o, and you should read "The Petite Prince". Its a amazing book and it makes life so much more beautiful. Read it, you will thank me.